just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
