I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
