a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
