my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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