i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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