I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
