You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
