I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
