someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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