What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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