Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
