I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
