Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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