my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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