I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
