Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
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I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
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We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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