3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
