eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
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I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
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My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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