just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
