just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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