Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Randomize
