I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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