I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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