This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
