I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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