Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
