I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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