i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You left your phone here
Wait...
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