She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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