I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger