If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
