we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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