I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
