Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
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Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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