worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
