I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
