the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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