I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
