I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize