So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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