Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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