If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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