i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
