you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
