i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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