I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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