Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
