Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
don't judge my taste in strippers
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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