I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
