Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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