i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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