I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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