I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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