Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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