My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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