I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
