I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
