planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
