i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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