At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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