How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
