someone threw a dead crab at me
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
