Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
