At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
