Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just forgot I was standing up.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
